Why I don't drink alcohol anymore
Not your typical sober story.
Written by Shannon Barr
January 1, 2020
It was a December night, more than one year ago now, that I parted ways with alcohol. We weren’t particularly close — only saw each other at social events, for the most part.
And then…we started interacting a little more. We’d hang out on a weeknight when I felt compelled to unburden my thoughts and distract myself, sinking into conversation with a glass of fermented grape.
Even then, we still didn’t see each other that much. Yet any interaction we had began to feel unhealthy in my heart.
It started to feel like…
- A cop out to “feeling”
- A false sense of belonging in a group
- A step into a shell version of myself
This is the story of my relationship with alcohol. And it’s not a typical “sober” story. It’s less dramatic. Anti-climatic, really. No big “ah-ha” moment or marked event.
And yet, it’s a story that I have lived out and distanced myself from one year now. It’s a story from which many ‘ah-ha’ moments have now proceeded.
I was 19 when I first tasted alcohol. And I wasn’t breaking any drinking laws. I was in Austria, where the legal drinking age is 16. Even by American standards, my first experience with alcohol made me a late bloomer. No sneaking whiskey from my parents’ kitchen (my parents didn’t drink at all when I was growing up), no high school parties (I didn’t attend a typical public high school), and not even college parties (overwhelmed with a heavy amount of class units and a job, I had a very lackluster social life).
This isn’t one of those “I’m now sober and my life did a complete 180” stories. I wasn’t in the throes of addiction, thinking only of when I’d get my next drink. I didn’t need a glass of wine to rewind after each tiring day, nor did I spend my weekends blacked-out.
I didn’t drink that much at all, especially relative to my peers and society at large.
I haven’t made any colossal mistakes while drinking (while there are some very regretful choices, they don’t hold major significance in my life nor have power over me anymore).
So this isn’t a self-righteous, better-than-thou account of someone who no longer drinks and snubs their nose at those who do. There’s no shame-casting, or even an insinuation of that. That’s not my style, nor do I have any interest in showing up that way (this will REALLY be evident as you read further along).
This story is an account of my relationship with alcohol, and how my views have shifted to bring me to my current state. It’s the truth I’ve lived out.
It’s not a black and white or good vs. evil story. Alcohol can be the “bad guy” — and it has in my life. However, it’s also been a denominator in fun memories of my mine. Could I have made similar or better memories without it? Totally. But taking a hard stance without acknowledging multiple sides of this substance is not wholly true. I’ve had good and bad experiences while drinking.
In fact, I’ve even had some fairly fantastic memories with a drink in hand.
My first sip of alcohol in Austria? That occured in a Viennese pub that was closed off for a special celebration I was invited to attend by the guide affiliated with our school program. Giant Austrians loomed over me and my short American peers, pushing enormous steins of Austrian beer into our hands. The stein was as big as my head. Beer sloshed on the floor as cheerful locals belly-laughed and poured another round from the large wooden barrels (one was plenty for me — the serving size was enormous, plus beer is super filling).
I remember feeling a little silly and very cheerful. Whoa. This is what feeling drunk (or at least buzzed) is like. I had a blast that evening. AND I was drinking.
And then there’s that one time during the same study abroad trip that I split an entire pizza and a bottle of delicious Italian red wine (marked under 5 euro no less!) with my twin sister while she studied in Sorrento, Italy. We sat on stairs that overlooked the sparkling Tyrrhenian Sea. We fed a one-eyed cat pieces of anchovies that melted into the best pizza I’ve ever had.
And we were drinking.
In December 2018, for whatever reason, I found myself craving a glass of wine to chill out. To calm my thoughts and perhaps subdue my emotions. I caught on right away — NOPE. Hard stop. I will not be a victim to this captivator. Not me.
Just like my dad quit cold turkey more than three decades ago, I took my last sip of wine sometime toward the end of the year. I don’t remember the exact date. It wasn’t this intentional and ceremonial day penned in my calendar. I simply stopped drinking. I’m grateful to have the ability to have done that, especially given the fact that many spend their lifetime struggling to kick this additive substance.
I have a genetic predisposition to addiction, evident by the historical life decisions of my relatives. The burden of addiction runs through my veins.
Fortunately, addiction doesn’t show up in alcohol for me…yet. It shows up in some relationships and rumination and working hard and sadness. Perhaps the strong temptation to turn to alcohol for all my woes will appear at some point in my life. But I’m not waiting around, testing the waters to find out.
Life’s too fragile as is, and I don’t have time for that.
Here’s the part in this I-no-longer-drink-alcohol story that you might not expect. Perhaps an unpopular deviation from such stories: I may drink again in the future, and it won’t be categorized as some type of “relapse” or failure.
If I find myself strolling the cobblestone streets of Italy once again, I may swirl a glass of locally-pressed red wine in my hand, savoring the sweet and deep flavor.
At any rate, here’s where I’m at now, and this is what I’ve learned:
Stepping away from alcohol has opened new doors, my eyes, and my mind to new depths of understanding of myself and others. I have more meaningful conversations. It has improved my physical body and provided further clarity of mind.
The BIG (and difficult) benefit: it’s forced me to sit with ALL the emotions — positive and negative — and allow them to surface without suffocating them in the bottom of a wine glass.
In short: it’s pushed me to grow.
Without alcohol, I’m able to rest easy — no, CONFIDENT — in the truth that every decision I make is my own:
- Every comment that leaves my lips.
- Every touch I give or allow.
- Every word I write.
- Every emotion I feel.
…every “yes” and “no” is wholly mine.
And there have been times when those lines got blurred by this liquid influence. It’s an influence I am elated to no longer be under.
Some other major driving points that led me to step away from alcohol:
- There have been times when it invited me to swim in a pool of deep sadness, further perpetuating heartache. It was not a solution, it was an instigator.
- Alcohol can be like emotional-numbing juice, or it can heighten emotions in an unhealthy way. When I drank, I was a shell version of myself. I was either more indifferent and didn’t care about things as much (except the next day I did and I was left with guilt for not acting or speaking as ‘me’). Or, I cared too much about unimportant things. In both scenarios, I would feel as though I betrayed myself.
- I no longer wanted to release the reigns of my mind to a substance that doesn’t care about me.
- Gone are the days of a hangover — I don’t waste any days recovering and desperately feeling dehydrated, my thirst seemingly unquenchable. Health is wealth, friends.
- I often enjoyed drinking because when I did, I had more confidence to not hold back when I had something to say, to use my wit without always second-guessing myself, and to be more bold. Abstaining has empowered me to step into that realm of confidence on my own, without assistance. Therefore, it’s allowed for more authenticity, and it’s boosted my confidence. To know who I can be without a crutch is EMPOWERING.
- It has encouraged poor decision-making in my life, and therefore regret, senseless accidents, and harm to myself. Navigating life is already tricky enough. Why complicate it further?
- It’s LITERALLY poison — our bodies have to work really hard to excrete it. My primal health studies have shed so much light on the dangers of drinking, and how our bodies are forced to respond. I’m convinced it does our bodies WAY more harm than any healthy antioxidants available.
- It upholds your insecurities. For example, if you’re struggling with self-image, which I have, you may be prone to look for love and approval in damaging places that will never fill the hole in your heart.
- Alcohol is also known as a ‘spirit.’ And it can hurt yours. More and more, I see how important it is to protect my spirit in all ways, be it environment, substances, images, etc. It all makes an impact.
- I no longer saw the point. And others agree. Sobriety is gaining popularity, and I’m all about it.
So, there you have it! My alcohol-relationship story.
Have you thought about yours? Is the story that you’ve never drank? Perhaps you’ve established healthy boundaries with it?
At any rate, I hope this story encourages you to think about that relationship.
And be real with yourself.
You’re worth the honesty.
Peace,
Shannon
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2 thoughts on “Why I don’t drink alcohol anymore”
Thank you for sharing your story with alcohol. It’s an important conversation to have in this society where it is acceptable to get wasted each weekend. Proud of knowing you and grateful for your heart. -mar
Thanks Mar! I’m so grateful for you.